Hear from the professionals

Children are deeply affected by separation and we need to recognise that they're going to respond in lots of different ways depending on their age, their personality, and most importantly, the level of conflict that the parents have.

There’s beautiful book called ‘What About the Children?’ It talks about the exact developmental stages of a child and how that separation's going to impact them differently. So for younger kids, we notice things like regression, maybe in sleep, bed wetting, clinginess or crying. Kids in that middle age group - middle primary - tend to suppress their emotions a bit, and adolescents can have totally different responses, sometimes it's about rejecting a parent.

But we really know that it's the conflict that impacts significantly. So if we can reduce the conflict between parents, we can reduce that impact.

One of the main things we hear regularly is this idea that children are resilient and they will just bounce back and we can all just get on with it.

What we find all the time is that when children don't understand big changes or those big changes aren't acknowledged, they blame themselves. Children’s universe begins and ends with them. So if something isn't clear they will turn it onto themselves and we don't want to encourage that.

The other thing I think, is not acknowledging that there has been a big change. Really validating a little person's feelings and experiences is absolutely crucial.

A beautiful metaphor for what we hope parents can do eventually, is to create a good ‘bridge’ when they're making those transitions [by being with the child in those ‘handover’ moments].

I've got to acknowledge that we have a lot of family violence so that’s not always possible. Where that's not possible, making transitions at school can help, using services like Relationships Australia’s children's contact service - those kinds of things.

But where conflict is lower, what we want do is make that bridge… Having a simple goodbye is also very helpful so kids don't feel like it's prolonged.

I think consistency and clarity with explanations, keeping our language really child-centered.

We understand that family violence is extraordinarily common, so I suggest this in a context of things being safe: to be sharing the same information from both parents - we find this is really helpful for children to understand what's going on.

If we think separation is a huge thing for adults to process and to deal with, and to move on from, expecting little people with little brains to make those same connections in the same sort of timeline [isn’t realistic]. They have little brains. They don't understand the emotion and the feelings and the history behind things. And that makes it even more difficult. So it’s important to keep things age appropriate and simple, and for the information that's shared to be the same between both families.

My advice is to reach out to professionals and not be afraid to get that support or that external support.

Often we really rely on friends and our families, and after the 50th time you've talked about your separation, that can really wear down our friends and families [on the receiving end]. Professional support is really helpful.

And I think just looking after yourself [in general]… If you are not with your kids or if your children are with the other parent, do things that fill your cup, that that give you a little bit of joy - particularly in the early stages. Give yourself that time to heal and reach out for support if needed.

At Relationships Australia, we have support for children up to 18 years in a counselling capacity.

If you're a bit older, you can access the the adult service, but I would say even just going to your doctor - or Headspace offers a lot of one-to-one and also online chat forums if you're not comfortable in doing the face-to-face.

I think it's about acknowledging that there has been a change - that really validates a child's experience.

As a friend or as one of those extended family networks, cherish that little person, cherish those people, let them know that you are still there. The relationship with them is still there. Parents separate, and there's ex-husbands and ex-wives, but there are no ex grandparents. There are no ex aunties and uncles… I think that's so important for a little person to understand that their world still exists. It might look a little bit different, but it's still there, and they can still rely on that world and they can still trust it.

Moving closer, not away is really important - And really, listen. We know that it takes about two years for separated families to move out of that grief phase and start to consolidate their new lives… So just recognising that it's going to be going on for a while. If anyone is really worried about a child, I would really encourage you to talk to safe families or call the family advice line if you've got safety concerns in particular.